Augh! You OneShot Me!
by Kisa Kisa Yum Yum
Summary: sasusaku one-shots "No." "Yes!" "No." "Yes!" "No." "No!" "Yes." "Ha!" "What?" "Dude, she so got you with the oldest trick in the book." AU Might be tidbits of naruhina, nejiten, shikatema, or kibaino/inosai, possibly.
1. Sunshine, I'm beginning to like this

**Suspended by Matt Nathanson**

**Summary: Songfic, Suspended by Matt Nathanson. Sasuke was surprised when she kissed him, and was surprised that he liked it. 'Sunshine, I'm beginning to like this.' sasusaku**

**Dedicated to: My eighteenth birthday! Which was… Saturday. Oh, and I suppose my sister's birthday… she turns twenty-three today, Tuesday. Happy birthday to me…**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto the anime/manga, nor do I own Suspended by Matt Nathanson, the song.**

_When you lead me and fit around my tongue_

_It's so easy to forget that I'm lost_

Sasuke's eyes widened in surprise at the feel of her mouth pressed against his. One minute they'd been walking through the streets of Konoha, her talking about first kisses and him grunting and listening with half an ear, and then she'd pulled him into an alley and kissed him. And it wasn't unpleasant; in fact, he liked it very much. He'd always been skeptical about the whole kissing thing, but…

_Spent all of my life waiting for answers_

_To lift me, to numb me, to define it all_

Her lips were warm and gentle as they moved over his in a clumsy manner that made him realize that this was it, this was her first kiss--technically it was his too, unless you counted Naruto and… No, that definitely did not count.

_Sunshine, I'm beginning to like this_

In fact, if he were entirely truthful, this was a glorious moment. He was being kissed by a girl--and he wasn't pushing her away. Even he was shocked. But he didn't want to break the kiss, even as she let go of her grip on his shirt and instead wound her arms around his neck, playing with the small wisps of hair at the nape of his neck. And it was…good.

_'Cause all I want to be is the minute you hold me in_

_When you pretend that I'm all that you waited for_

_Time slips to nothing and I'm better than I've ever been_

_Yeah, I'm suspended_

He lost his mind a little as he took control of the kiss, moving his lips against hers sensually with a practiced ease that was entirely new to him and surprising to her, judging by the tiny gasp that was lost against his mouth. He wasn't thinking clearly as he pulled her flush against him and increased the pressure he exerted on her lips, his hands around her middle but itching to roam her body.

_With your breathing, filling up my lungs_

_I can almost believe that I'm almost enough_

He pulled away for a moment as the need for air become impossible to ignore, and her hasty pants for air filled his ears and instigated the way he quickly caught her mouth with his again before he'd caught his breath.

_Spent all of my life emptied of anthems_

_Bracing for something that never did come_

She made a little sound in her throat that made him want to groan, and he pressed his tongue against the seam of her lips, asking wordlessly for entrance. Her mouth opened automatically, and he delved inside, really groaning this time as her small pink tongue tentatively moved to greet the welcome intrusion.

_Sunshine, I'm beginning to like this_

_Sunshine, I'm beginning to like it_

Why the hell had he waited so long to do this? The annoying female in his arms wasn't so annoying anymore, and he became disgusted with himself when he realized all he'd never done for her.

_'Cause all I wanna be is the minute that you hold me in_

_When you pretend that I'm all you ever waited for_

_Time slips to nothing and I'm better than I've ever been_

_Yeah, I'm suspended_

The knowledge that he was such an idiot made him break the kiss once again and take a step back, releasing his hold on her. She blinked at the sudden withdrawal, leaning against the wall for support as her knees wobbled dangerously. Then she seemed to get a hold of herself for she pushed off from the wall, straightening her clothes and gently wiping her mouth with her hand. "I-I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun," she told him in a voice thick with hoarse emotion, her eyes embarrassed and slightly hurt. Her cheeks tinted with pink as she saw how his eyes were watching the hand raised to her mouth and immediately dropped it back to her side.

He shook his head as she made as though to leave the alley. "Sakura, wait," he commanded, and her feet halted in their tracks. Sighing, he continued, "There's nothing to be sorry about. It was…nice."

_It's not enough to stay surrounded_

_It's not enough to stay awake, torn and braced_

_Cornered, and not feel alive_

She stared back at him in shock, then her lips curved up into a smile and she lifted a hand to smooth her hair down even though it was unruffled. "Really? You really liked it?" she asked shyly, then didn't wait for him to answer as she continued on with, "Yes! I knew it! You really are a normal heterosexual boy!"

_Sun, sunshine, I'm beginning to like this_

_Sunshine, I'm beginning to like it_

"Hn," he replied, to which she just giggled.

They stood like that for a moment, then she smiled again and said, "So, you wanna go get some ramen?"

"Hn." He took her hand in his and led her out of the alley and towards Ichiraku's. She walked alongside him with that stupid smile on her face that he couldn't help but love.

_'Oh man… when did the L-word come into this?!'_

_'Cause all I wanna be is the minute that you hold me in_

_When you pretend that I'm all that you waited for_

_Time slips to nothing and I'm better than I've ever been_

_Yeah, I'm suspended_

_Yeah, I'm suspended_

_Yeah, I'm suspended_

**I typed this up in next to no time while listening to this song over and over, and I think it came out sweet. As soon as I heard the song, I thought about this couple. **

**Suspended by Matt Nathanson**


	2. Can We Do It Again, Sasukekun?

-**gasps- Another one-shot! But this one is very, very different from the other one. The other one was sweet and innocent--this one is all about sexual insinuation. So it is M, y'all--and kinda funny, I think.**

**Summary: Naruto was never going to eavesdrop again. "Can we do it again, Sasuke-kun?" "Sakura, I'm an Uchiha; I can go all night." sasusaku AU**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto. If I did… let's not even get into that, now.**

"Wow! I can't believe I never saw it before! You're really good at this, Sasuke-kun!"

"Well, it's a skill gained through hard work."

"Oh! Do you have to practice a lot?"

"At the beginning of the year, I had extra classes with Anko-sensei. She tutored me and taught me all I know."

"Ah! That makes sense! I've heard that Anko-sensei's really good at it!"

"She really is excellent. She showed me techniques I've never heard of."

"Hmm. Where do I put this?"

"Right there. You see that hole? Plug it in."

"B-but it's so big! I don't think it'll fit there!"

"Trust me, Sakura. I've done this before. I know what I'm doing."

"O-okay, I'll put it--oh my God, it does fit! It's kind of tight, though."

"Good job, Sakura. Now work it a bit."

"Okay. So if I put this here…and move this into this position…then I get _this_…oh God, I'm done, I'm done! Did I do it right, Sasuke-kun?"

"Oh yeah, that's the right result. Now it's my turn."

"I'm a little nervous! I--oh God, how did you do that?! That was incredible! How'd you do it so quickly?!"

"Talent."

"You're terrific. I can't believe how good you are at this. You should do it to Naruto, too."

"I don't think he could handle it."

"Yes, there is a lot of pressure involved. Am I your best pupil, Sasuke-kun?"

"You're very enthusiastic, Sakura. And you catch on very quickly."

"It's kinda nice. Can we do it again?"

"Sakura, I'm an Uchiha; I can go all night."

Naruto was too shocked to move. He'd arrived minutes ago at the Uchiha mansion to annoy his classmate and somewhat best friend Sasuke and had went to knock on his door, but then he'd heard Sakura's voice and had stopped to listen. Suffice it to say, he was horrified.

"Oh Sasuke-kun, make this one harder! I want it to be rough!"

"Hn, okay, but don't try too hard to please me; I don't want you tiring yourself out after the first lesson."

"Don't worry, Sasuke-kun! I can take it! Now, can you hand me that little packet? I'll take care of this one."

Naruto didn't wait to hear anymore; he bolted so fast that the door got whiplash.

"Did you hear that, Sasuke-kun?"

"No. Are you enjoying yourself, Sakura?"

"Absolutely! Who knew math could be so much fun?"

**Nyaah! Poor Naruto and his virgin ears! Tell me what you think! Is this story a big shock after the first one? I wanted to make it longer, but I couldn't think of anything else. Comments?**


	3. Fan Mail

**Whoa! I am really on the ball with this updating thing! Three days in a row! Yeah, I'm good.. Well, I'm glad you guys enjoyed them. This one's funny, too.**

**Summary: No one was allowed to call him Sasuke-kun but her. Who said? Sakura said. Fan mail. AU**

**Disclaimer: Eh, no. No, I don't.**

* * *

_Oh God, I love you, Sasuke!_

"Ugh. Could you be any more obvious?"

_I would kill for you!_

"Wow. That's kinda… psychotic."

_I would lick the inside of a toilet bowl for you!_

"Ew. How can she expect anyone to kiss her after reading this?"

_I taped a photo of you to my dog's face so I could pretend you're the one who's humping my leg!_

"Gross! Poor dog…!"

_I bought a Sasuke wig and put it on so I could talk to my reflection and pretend it's you!_

"…you can buy those? I'll tell Naruto… Halloween is coming up…"

_I'm sending you my Sasuke panties! They're my favorite pair!_

"…here. Burn this whole envelope."

_I sent you a vial of my blood last week! Did you get it? Did you get my blood? I promise, the doctor said that the AIDS is nothing to worry about--_

"Oh God, I can't read anymore! Quick, quick, burn it, burn it!!!!!!! …and give this vial of 'magical red healing fluid' to Sai, as a thank you for him calling me ugly all these years. Tell him to rub it into all his open cuts and he'll magically be healed!"

_I love you so much more than your brother! In fact, if murder was legal, I would so totally smoke him for you--that's how much I love you!_

"…best not let Sasuke-kun see this one. He's desperate enough that he might ask her to do it."

"Do what?"

"Kill Itachi-nii."

"Oh, gotcha."

_You're my hero, Sasuke! Honestly, the way you saved that little girl in your music video… it was awesome! _

"Don't these stupid fans realize that it was _just_ a music video? And--hey! That little girl was me!"

"Nyaah."

"Go find a dog and feed it!"

"…how is that an insult?"

"Oh, it's not, I just promised Sasuke-kun I'd feed his dog. Alright, on to the next one."

"…you're lazy…"

"Shut up!"

* * *

At that moment, a tall handsome dark-haired man with a ponytail walked into the den where they were sitting and smiled at them. "Ohayo, Sakura-nee, Ino-chan. What are you doing?"

Sakura grinned up at him. "We're sorting through Sasuke-kun's fan mail. You're mentioned."

"Ah. Another offer to 'take me out'?"

"How did you know?"

"It happens daily."

Ino fluffed her bangs and flipped her blonde ponytail, smiling up at him flirtatiously. This also happened daily. "Oh Itachi-kun, you're so funny! Tell me, are you still seeing that girl?"

"Which girl?"

"The brunette."

"Iie. Dumped her last week."

"Hmm… interesting…" she murmured to herself, turning away from them both to giggle evilly and rub her hands together with an evil glint in her eyes. "Puuuuuuuurfect…."

Itachi brushed off the girl's weird behavior and turned instead to the pink-haired girl who didn't freak him out. "So, any good blackmail material?" he asked in a casual tone that wasn't fooling her.

"Let me see…" Sakura picked up another letter and read off, "'Oh Sasuke, you are such a hottie banana-fana hunky-dunk! If you were covered in chocolate syrup I would lick you all over and--' Oh wait, that's from me."

"Ew." Itachi wrinkled his nose. "How can you write such things? They're entirely repulsive."

Sakura shrugged. "Well, I am a former fangirl, ya know. And besides…" She grinned. "Sasuke-kun wasn't complaining last night--"

He gasped and pointed at her dramatically. "So _that's_ where all the chocolate syrup went! It's all gone!"

"Sasuke-kun was very… enthusiastic…" Sakura cleared her throat and shuffled papers around to dispel the awkward silence. "Okay, here's another one: 'I love you so much! I've disclosed my address and phone number so that you can call me and/or come over for some of my McLovin'! My love for you is so strong, like a sparkly toenail or something… Love you, Sasuke-kun--'" Her mouth froze on the suffix, and her eyes bugged out.

Ino came out of her evil trance to wince. "Oh God… she's gonna flip out…!"

"Wait, what--" Itachi began, but was cut off when Sakura leapt to her feet and roared like an angry lion, then ran out of the room with the letter still clutched in her hand. He turned to Ino and raised an eyebrow in question.

She sighed. "Not good. You remember how Sakura spent three months in jail two years ago?"

"Uh… yeah…"

"Someone called your brother Sasuke-kun… and… she may have beat her up…"

"Oh shit."

* * *

Sakura ran into the next room and grabbed her cell phone from a table; quickly dialing the number in the letter, she pressed the call button and listened to it ring three times.

"_Ummm… Hello? Like, who the hell is this?"_

Sakura growled low in her throat and said, through gritted teeth, "You will die in exactly seven minutes…"

"_What?! Who--is this Charlie? Charlie, damnit, stop calling me! I told you, I'm holding out for Sasuke-kun--"_

"I AM NOT CHARLIE! AND I'M COMING TO KILL YOU, SO YOU BETTER BE THERE!!!!!" Sakura shouted, then disconnected the call before she could reply. She ran by several maids and didn't stop, though she usually took the time to greet them. Not today. She ran all the way out to the front of the mansion, screeching to a stop on the steps next to Sasuke's valet. "Frank, I need to borrow a car and a driver because I'm not sure I should be driving on the road with all the anger and the rage and all the wanting to kill everyone I see and--"

He interrupted her ramble to say, "Of course, Sakura-san. The limo is the only available car."

"Damn! Okay, I'll take the limo!" She hopped into the long black vehicle as soon as it pulled up and pointed her finger forward through the open partition glass. "Drive, man! Drive as if your life depended on it!" she yelled.

Jeffrey just looked at her in that bored way that seventy-year old men excel at and drove out of the front gates. Sakura gave him the address at lightning speed, and he began to drive slowly in that direction. "Damn you, old man! Drive faster! I only have four minutes to get there! Oh, and do you know of a place where I can buy a machete for three bucks, 'cause I left mine at home and that's all the cash I have on me."

* * *

The fangirl was minding her own business, kneeling before her Uchiha Sasuke shrine like a good little stalker when she heard a BOOM! and a strange pink-haired girl burst into her house like a freakin' wrecking ball. "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" Fangirl shrieked, cowering as the weirdo advanced on her, hot breath blowing visibly from her nostrils like a bull, and in her hands--was that her garden gnome??!!

"I told you people, only _I_ can call him Sasuke-kun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

Sasuke walked into the den two hours later escorting a slightly subdued Sakura by the arm; she was wearing a bright orange suit like prison inmates wore, and her hands were even restrained in handcuffs. "Oh my God!" Ino screeched, jumping to her feet from where she'd been desperately trying to seduce Itachi, to no avail. "What happened to you?!"

"Would you like to tell them, or should I, Number 45683927655?" Sasuke asked, his expression half-angry, half-amused.

Sakura sighed tiredly. "Well… you see, it all started when--"

Sasuke broke in to say, "I got called an hour ago to come pick her up from jail; they'd already made her dress in the uniform by the time I got there. I can't BELIEVE you beat up another one of my fangirls! What did I tell you about that?!"

Sakura pouted, her handcuffs clanging. "She called you Sasuke-kun! TWICE! And I was supposed to take that?! No one calls you that but me! Ever!"

He shook his head ruefully and began searching through the drawers of a desk in a corner of the room. "Well, I suppose it's alright. But you know she's still gonna sue you."

"Good. Then I can beat her ass in court, too!"

"Fortunately, she can't move now, so there won't be a trial for a while."

"…ouch…" Itachi winced at this unpleasant information, then frowned. "What are you looking for, Little Brother?"

"Don't call me that, Squid-face. And I'm looking for my handcuff keys."

Sakura pointed out, "Sasuke-kun, they're in the bedroom. Remember, we used them last week--?"

"Oh, right."

Itachi's eye twitched. "All this information is not good for my mental health."

"Mental health? Itachi-nii, you're living in the same house as Sasuke-kun and I; _you have no mental health left._"

* * *

Sakura grinned suddenly. "Perfect!"

Sasuke looked at her. "What's perfect? Me?"

"No--well, yes, but that's not what I was talking about--Look!" She pointed to the orange prison jumpsuit she'd discarded to one corner of the room. "Now I've got a birthday gift for Naruto!"

"...his birthday was a month ago..."

"True. But there's always _next_ year..."

* * *

**Nyaah, how was it? Kinda stupid, I think, but I started writing out the first part and then read some depressing fan fictions, so it might have come out bad… Either way, review, please! Oh, and in case it's not obvious, Sasuke is, like, a rockstar or something.**


	4. Drama for Yo Mama

**Aw, I'm glad you guys liked it! Yeah, I wasn't sure what those orange jumpsuit things are called, so… anyways…**

**Summary: What?! Is Sakura breaking up with Sasuke?! "I know you're having an affair with your best friend!" "…Naruto?" sasusaku AU**

**Disclaimer: I do not Naruto or the Wii. Obviously, I mean, seriously. Is this really necessary?**

* * *

"I need to talk to you!!!!!!"

Sasuke glanced up from the book he was reading and stared at his girlfriend. "Yeah? About what?" he asked indifferently.

She was red in the face and had apparently been stewing over something for a long time, because she had the pattern of her favorite couch pillow on her cheek, which meant she'd been lying on her thinking couch, which was reserved for when she had something in her brain and was debating over how to go about doing whatever she needed to do to get rid of it. Oh, how well he knew her.

At this moment in time, she was glaring at him, so he figured he'd done something wrong. He mentally went through everything he'd done that week, trying to find something that he'd done against her or something that would piss her off. Nope, nothing--oh, there was that time last Wednesday when he'd stuffed Naruto in the garbage can and let the garbage man dump him into the garbage truck, but he'd already apologized (kinda), and all of the marmalade was out of Naruto's hair now (sorta).

"What is it?" he asked, struggling to look nonchalant.

"What is it, you ask?!" she hissed, folding her arms over her chest and doubling the intensity of her glare. "I know, about everything! Every little lie, everything you hid from me about your past and about our future together--I know everything!!!"

He raised an eyebrow at this. "What are you talking about? I don't--"

"Don't even try to explain!" she shouted before he could finish his sentence. "Your brother told me everything!"

Sasuke suddenly froze at the mention of Itachi. "What lies did he tell you?" he asked coldly, his onyx eyes narrowed dangerously.

She laughed in a very non-amused way and pointed her finger at him accusingly. "Don't try to turn me against him! He told me…. I know you're having an affair with your best friend!!!!!!!"

Silence greeted her outburst, then Sasuke, very slowly, replied, "…Naruto?"

"Ah-ha! So you DO know his name!" she shrieked, her accusing index finger very close to poking him in the chest. "I knew it! Argh, you know, this is so like you! You're so anti-social, never speaking to anyone--What other lies have you told me? I bet you're not even rich!"

"Sakura--" he began, but she cut him off with an upheld hand. "No, you will not dissuade me or try to sweet-talk me." She paused, then said, in a very dramatic voice, "And I've decided that… I'm leaving you… for your brother!!!!"

"WHAT?!?!"

"Oh yes, you heard me!" she continued as if he weren't staring at her with his mouth hanging open and his right eye twitching. "At least I know that I can trust him. I may not know him as well, but he treats me kindly and he's already told me that he's passionately in love with me!"

"I'm gonna kill him!" Sasuke snarled, rising from his chair and ignoring how his book flew off his lap and caused a priceless antique lamp to crash to the floor in millions of porcelain pieces. "You can't do this--!"

Sakura glowered at him through tear-filled eyes and she sniffled slightly, producing a napkin from nowhere and dabbing at her eyes. "I'm sorry, Koji, but it just wasn't meant to be. Fate has decided that Taisuke and I are made for each other, and you can't fight against fate!"

"You can't be serious--wait, what did you just call me?!" He stared at her incredulously as her words sank in. "Who the hell--?"

In a change so sudden that his head spun, she stopped sniffling and beamed at him happily. "Oh Sasuke-kun, thank you so much!!" She hugged him then, squeezing him until his eyes bulged. "Thank you so much for helping me practice!"

"I--Practice?" He blinked in confusion. "What are you--?"

"I told you three days ago that I was trying out for that new movie, _Drama for Yo Mama_! You said you'd help me, remember?"

Sasuke thought back, and couldn't recall the conversation at all. "Of course I remember!" he lied through his teeth, trying not to look stupid. "Uh…so, that was all an act? You don't really think I'm having an affair with Naruto and you're not leaving me for Itachi?"

She laughed happily. "No way! If I thought that, I'd--"

Before she could finish, a very naked Naruto dressed only in a black towel slung around his waist and half-slipping from his hips emerged from the hallway, drying his blonde spikes with another towel. "Hey Sasuke-teme, I'm gonna split before Sakura-chan--Oh, hey Sakura-chan!" he recovered nervously as he caught sight of the girl. "Uh…hi?"

She turned slack-jawed to Sasuke, then shook her head and left the room, muttering something unintelligible.

Sasuke growled at Naruto, then turned and ran out after her, yelling, "Sakura, you don't understand! We were playing the boxing game on the Wii and he got all sweaty!"

Naruto stared after them for a moment, then shouted, "DON'T YOU LIE TO SAKURA-CHAN, SASUKE-TEME! WE WERE PLAYING MY LITTLE PONY!!!!!!!!"

* * *

**lol I don't know if there actually is a My Little Pony game for Wii, but there is in this story. So, was it funny? Did you think she was really breaking up with him? Yeah, me neither. The idea just came to me. Kinda short, I know.**


	5. The Evil IT

**I got this idea after reading a story where someone mentioned Naruto trying to solve a Rubix cube. I thought it was a cute idea.**

**Summary: It's not his fault he can't do it. It's just-just--it's just too hard. "Damn this contraption! Who the hell invented this damn cube?!" In which Sasuke tries in vain to solve a Rubix cube. AU**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Barney, Axe Body Spray, or the Rubix Cube. Unfortunately.**

* * *

He hadn't slept in three days. He hadn't eaten in three days. He hadn't showered in three days, and the smell was starting to get to him. All he could do was stare at _IT._

_IT_ was sitting on the table in front of him, and he was on his knees on the floor, eye-level with the table, just staring at _IT. IT _plagued his thoughts. _IT _was all he could think about.

_IT_ was mocking him. Sitting there in all its multi-colored glory, those gleaming squares that _just wouldn't go together_. He was going insane.

Itachi had given _IT _to him for his birthday three days prior. He'd opened the box apprehensively, then stared down at the object in surprise. There was also a note inside, and he read it quickly.

_Dear Little Brother_

_Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy this. I solved it in two hours. _

_If you beat my time, I'll give you free tomatoes for a year. _

_Sincerely, Itachi_

So of course he'd immediately began to solve _IT_. Two hours later, he was no closer to solving _IT _than he had when he'd unwrapped _IT_. So he tried harder. That first day, he worked at _IT _furiously, using all his energy to solve _IT_.

The second day, he began to strategize, noting how the pieces fit together and writing down all kinds of ridiculous mathematical equations that didn't do anything but make his head hurt. And he really wanted a tomato, damnit.

The third day, he was just staring at _IT_, willing it to jump up and solve itself. But of course _IT_ didn't. So he just stared. And maybe hallucinated a bit. Either that, or there really were a bunch of Naruto's running around in Barney costumes. Which is entirely possible.

Then the door opened, and Sakura entered, carrying a tomato and a spray can. "Sasuke-kun, you have _got_ to stop obsessing over this stupid thing," she told him, placing the tomato down beside him and, taking the spray can in her hand, sprayed him with it profusely. "Thank God for the power of Axe."

"Sakura, _IT_ is not a stupid thing. _IT _is a sacred artifact!" he informed her angrily, not taking his eyes off _IT_. "Now, please me and _IT _alone."

She rolled her eyes and set the Axe down, picking up the tomato and holding it beneath his nose. He inhaled the tomato-y scent wafting from it, then waved it away in annoyance. "I'm telling you, Sakura, I'm not leaving this room until _IT_ is solved!"

With a roar of fury, she smashed the tomato on his head, making him gasp at such an unholy use of a godly tomato. "Damnit! I am tired of you and your freakin' fixation on this damn thing!" And with that, she reached for and picked _IT _up.

"Sakura, what are you--?" He fell silent as she twisted _IT_ this way and that, working at a fast and determined pace. Five minutes later, she slammed it back onto the table, all sides one color. "There! Your stupid thing is solved!" she yelled.

Sasuke stared at _IT_ in wonder. "Sakura--how did you _do_ that?!" he asked, his amazement evident in his voice.

She flipped her hair over one shoulder and smirked proudly. "I solved that stupid thing _years_ ago, Sasuke-kun," she replied.

"B-but, it's so HARD!" he whined.

She glanced down at him and smirked again. "Yeah well, looks like you two have something in common."

Sasuke covered his lap in both hands and glared at her. "Hey! I've been celibate for… three whole days!"

Sakura rolled her eyes again. "Whatever. I'll be in our bedroom. YOU need to take a shower. You stink, and for some reason there's a tomato in your hair…" Then she ran out before he could grab her.

"Damn!" He stood and glared down at _IT_. "Stupid Rubix cube!" he shouted. "You're not so tough!!!!" And then he ran out of the room to take a shower. And eat a tomato.

* * *

**Sasuke, you sex fiend. Three whole days of celibacy. Go you**.


	6. A REAL Man

**Just to satisfy everyone's curiosity, NO, I CANNOT SOLVE A RUBIX CUBE! …it is a talent I do not possess. Anyways, enjoy this new one-shot; 30 reviews already! Well, that would average about 6 reviews per chapter, so that makes me happy. Tell your friends! J**

**Summary: He was the man in the relationship, the one who brought home the bacon. And every time he had to hand the jar over to her, his pride smarted. "That's not it at all! Your… grip is tighter?" Sasusaku AU**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any pickle jars that may exist in people's fridges. Except the ones in my fridge.**

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke prided himself on being a man. It wasn't enough to just be of the male gender; to be a man, you had to be a REAL man. The one in the relationship who brings home the bacon, who works three jobs just to put food on the table, the one who fixes things around the household and used his muscles to do things his other half couldn't do.

Take Uzumaki Naruto for example. He'd lost his job recently and, instead of looking for another one, was sitting on his butt on his couch eating instant ramen after instant ramen, while his girlfriend Hyuga Hinata worked, took care of their dog Rameno, and ran the household. He was not a real man; he was a girly-man. **(And before you kill me, Naruto, Sasuke said it, not me!)**

He, Sasuke, was a manly-man. He was the one in the relationship who wore the pants (even if she _did _control the zipper). He loved being the man in the relationship, and he wouldn't give it away for anything. There was, however, one teensy little problem.

His girlfriend was stronger than him.

Haruno Sakura was, at first glance, a girly-girl. She liked to wear skirts and high-heels, and you wouldn't catch her dead in a pair of ratty old jeans. Her body was certainly that of a girl; porcelain skin, curves a man would kill to caress, and miles of legs that made men think dirty thoughts. She cooked and cleaned and looked after their cat Avengy. She was the perfect girlfriend for a manly-man.

But she also liked to wear shorts and boots, and when one looked at her body, one couldn't help but notice the well-defined muscles in her arms and legs and her clearly-defined abs. She taught men how to box, and she had rarely, if ever, lost a match. So she was kinda the perfect girlfriend for a girly-man, too. Not that he was a girly-man. No way.

It just… bugged him when he had to ask her help with something. Like today.

He'd just got home from work and flung his jacket somewhere in the living room as he strode towards the kitchen and opened the fridge. He'd been craving a damn pickle all day, and none of his assistants could find him a place that sold pickles. Tch. They were so fired.

Pulling out the pickle jar, he set it and two tomatoes on the table, since he was _really _hungry. He didn't bother with a plate or utensils; simply lifted one tomato and took a huge bite out of it as he stared at the pickle jar. It was a new jar, meaning it was unopened. Okay. He could do this. 'You can totally do this, Sasuke. Think of all of your training; true, it's all business training, but still…' His mental pep-talk wasn't really working, so he put the tomato down, wiped his hands on a conveniently-placed tablecloth, and took the jar in both hands. Bracing it on the table, he wrapped one hand around the jar itself and, grasping the lid with his other hand, twisted.

Nothing.

He twisted it again, harder this time. Still nothing. No tug, no pull, no give. "Stubborn jar," he grumbled aloud, twisting as hard as he could. For a good fifteen minutes he sat there, alternating hands, wiping them aggressively on the tablecloth, to get off any moisture whatsoever, and trying again. Sweat was beginning to bead on his brow, and he swore loudly from time to time.

Finally, his girlfriend walked into the kitchen, no longer able to ignore his struggle. "Need some help, Sasuke-kun?" she asked, eyeing him with a knowing look.

"No! I don't need a girl's help!" he replied harshly, turning his back on her and trying for the gazillionth time to get the lid off.

She didn't seem at all fazed by his words, sighing and shaking her head ruefully at his pitiful attempts. "Sasuke-kun, don't think of me as a girl; think of me as your co-pilot. Now, hand the controls over to me."

"No. You're my co-pilot, but you're still a girl co-pilot!" Sasuke half-yelled, still trying in vain to get that little lid off. "Damnit! Did they superglue this thing shut?!"

She watched him for another minute before she got bored watching him struggle and grabbed the jar. "Okay, you know what, this is ridiculous! I'll just open it and--"

"Mine!" he shouted, pulling it away from her.

A brief but intense battle ensued over the little pickle jar; finally, Sakura kicked him in the side and he fell off the chair, leaving the jar cradled in her hands. "Hah, loser!" She stuck her tongue out and, in one smooth motion, twisted the lid off with a POP! "See? Easy!" The jar was set back on the table with a loud thunk, and she walked out of the kitchen, still shaking her head.

Sasuke got to his feet and, ignoring the pain in his side, gazed in horror at the jar. "Damnit!" he yelled loudly. "I'm supposed to be the strong one!"

"Just face the inevitable!" came her reply from the living room. "I'm stronger than you."

"That's not it at all! Your... grip is tighter?" It came out as a question.

"You still have the only penis in the relationship. Use it."

He sank into the chair with a whimsical sigh. Unconsciously, he lifted a pickle from the jar and bit into it. After chewing it and swallowing, he said, "I can't. You just took away my manhood."

"…does this mean I have to bring home the bacon and wear pants?"

"…yes."

"How about this; I'll ask you to help me reach up into the cupboard when I make supper. Will that satisfy your manly craving?"

"…yes."

* * *

**Poor Sasuke! He's being deflowered--er, I mean, he's losing his manhood.**

**Heheheh… penis.**


	7. The Proposal, Old Navy Style

**I thought this up while watching that funky Old Navy commercial. Tell me what you think.**

**Summary: He just didn't see what was so romantic about the Old Navy commercial. But she still wanted to know his opinion. "Uh, well, I suppose the.. dresses… were… colorful..." sasusaku AU**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or this Old Navy commercial.**

* * *

"Wow…."

Sasuke looked up from his newspaper, where he was reading a _very _interesting article on hair follicles, to where his girlfriend sat on the sofa, facing the television. Her mouth was slightly agape, and her eyes were glazed over with that look that she got when she was thinking about something that he would get blamed for later. "What is it?" he asked, because, really, if he didn't, she would get angry.

Sakura sighed wistfully and said, "Sasuke, this commercial is so cute! Come here, I'll rewind it!"

He thought about refusing for a second, but then folded his paper and grudgingly got up and trudged over to sit beside her. She was pressing a bunch of buttons on the remote, then paused the screen and turned to face him, her expression all serious. "Are you ready to witness this, this mystical phenomenon that is what television was meant to be?" she asked him, her tone very grave, as if she was asking him what color her coffin should be.

Sasuke settled for a nod, and she, very slowly and deliberately, pressed PLAY.

It was an Old Navy commercial.

There were several mannequins on the screen, and there was a voice coming from the speakers on the television which he supposed was supposed to be the guy mannequin's voice as he asked the girl mannequin to marry him, she said yes, and he broke her finger off, then offered her his finger instead. At this part, Sakura sighed again. Then, it ended, with some spouting about town dresses or something like that.

Silence.

Pressing the STOP button, Sakura turned to him and beamed. "Wasn't that just _fantastic_?!" she stated.

Sasuke just sat there in stony silence, not sure whether it was a rhetorical question or not. Apparently, it was not, as her smile became strained after the first minute, then dissolved into a frown after the next three. "Sasuke, I asked you for your opinion!" She scowled at him. "Now give it to me!"

Every time she said this, he felt like giving her a swift kick in the butt. However, she was just retaliate by kicking him in the…ahem…_groin area_… And he really needed those to rebuild his clan with someday. So he, quite hesitantly, gave her his opinion: "I didn't get it. It was stupid," he said.

You know when you feel someone is staring at you with that murderous glare, thinking bad thoughts, like potentially decapitating you and grinding your remains in the garbage disposal? Sasuke was feeling that, only _ten times worse_.

Sakura's expression could only be described as horrifying. It was a cross between watching someone beat up a cute helpless puppy and seeing your brother massacre your family in front of your eyes. Sasuke had never experienced the former, but the latter he had all too much experience in, so he flinched beneath the intense glare. "_**What. Did. You. Say?**_" she queried through gritted teeth.

He felt a film of sweat begin to dew his forehead as he tried to think of something positive to say. "Uh, well, I suppose the….dresses…were….colorful…"

Sakura just stared at him with her mouth open. Her expression was far beyond surprised and bordered on scary. "The dresses were colorful?" she repeated incredulously. "We just witnessed one of the most romantic moments in history, and all you can think about is how the dresses were colorful?!"

"Um… don't you think you're being a little… dramatic?" Sasuke winced as his words caused her to let out a shocked gasp. "Er, I mean, it was… okay, I just don't get it! Why is that damn commercial so romantic?!"

She puffed up like a puffer fish and glared at him with an air of superiority. "It is romantic, Sasuke, because his love for her was so absolute that he gave up his own finger to give her just so she could wear his ring! _Which he'd just used to propose to her_!!!" she added, throwing an extra glare at him.

"…." He thought about this for a moment. 'There has to be a double meaning in all of this,' he told himself slowly. 'So… is she saying she wants me to cut my finger off and give it to her? 'Cause, I mean, I love her and all, but no way is that happening.'

"Sasuke!" she barked, making him jump and snap out of his mental conversation with himself. "Well? Aren't you going to comment on how _romantic_ he was to _propose_ like that to his _girlfriend_, who _loves him_?!"

'Hmm… I think she's trying to insinuate something,' he thought, biting his lip. 'But what?'

'Oh God, you're pathetic!' a little voice in the back of his head that wasn't quite so little yelled. 'She wants you to propose to her, moron!'

'…that makes sense.' Aloud, he said, "Sakura."

She leaned forward and gazed up at him eagerly, love shining in her eyes like a billion stars. "Yes?" she asked hopefully, her lips slightly pursed.

"…I have to go see Naruto."

Sakura's mouth opened and closed, and by the time she was ready to yell at him, he had bounced off of the couch and ran out the front door, grabbing his coat and car keys. "Damnit, Sasuke, you bastard! Get back here!!!!!!!"

* * *

Sasuke arrived at Naruto's house exactly twelve minutes later in a panic. Without bothering to knock, he shoved his way in the front door and yelled, "Naruto! I need that damn ring now!"

The blonde himself poked his head out of his kitchen, a pair of chopsticks sticking out of his mouth and a bowl of steaming ramen in his hands. "Swaskay?" he mumbled through the chopsticks, his expression surprised. "Whadyuwa?"

"I want Sakura's engagement ring!" Sasuke said, raking a hand through his hair in frustration. "Where did you put it?"

Naruto thought for a moment, then brightened. "Wupstars!" he shouted, gesturing with his chopsticks up the stairs. "Win why dwawew!"

"Okay, I'll get it!" Sasuke ran up the stairs, then ran back down and stared at his friend in horror. "Oh my God, I just understood everything you said. I'm getting _used_ to you!"

Naruto grinned as Sasuke ran back up the stairs again.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Sasuke pulled up in front of his house and ran inside, not surprised to see his girlfriend still sitting on the couch, staring at the door, waiting for him to return. "There you are!" she said, rising from the couch and placing her hands on her hips. "Who the hell do you think you are, walking out on me like that? I--"

"Sakura," he interrupted her tirade, then got down on one knee before her and produced the ring he'd hidden in his pocket. "I love you, will you marry me?"

Silence. Then--

"YYYYEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

"Sasuke?"

"Yeah?"

"You do realize that the commercial is going to be played at our wedding, don't you?"

"...damn."

* * *

**Oh God, I am so tired. My eyes are blurring writing this. Sorry if it's not funny or i seems rushed, I wanted it finished so I could put it up. Hope you guys like it. Review, please.**


	8. Bun in the Oven

**So, some people have never seen that Old Navy commercial that the last chapter was inspired by --coughcoughfallingpetals96coughcough-- so I put up a link on my profile, I think. At least, I'm pretty sure I put a link up. It should be at the end, if y'all want to take a look-see at it.**

**So, I got this idea after reading my own profile and finding some kind of quote that made me think this up. Enjoy!**

**Summary: She was trying to tell him something, he knew it. "The bun's in the oven!" …they were eating a bun for dinner? Just one bun? Well, that made no sense.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything! -eyes dart around suspiciously- Okay... -whispers- Is the FBI still listening?**

* * *

"Sasuke!" Sakura called out, running out her front door as soon as his car pulled up. He had barely shut the engine off and gotten out when she embraced him around the waist, hugging him with her face buried in his chest.

"Er… hello?"

She pulled away and smiled at him brightly. "Oh Sasuke, I'm so glad you're here! I love you!"

"Um… I love you, too. …are you on medication?"

Sakura laughed and grabbed his hand. "No, silly! Now come on, the bun's in the oven!"

As she pulled him along behind her, he couldn't help but contemplate her words. 'There's a bun in the oven? …we're eating a bun for dinner? Just one bun? Well, that makes no sense,' he thought.

'Hmm, maybe she's trying to tell us something…' Sasuke's little voice said. 'Maybe she's poor and can only afford one bun…'

'Oh, shut up, you idiot!'

'Hey, before you start calling me names, just remember I'm you.'

'Damn.'

Then he took the time that it took her to drag him into her house to notice that she was wearing a pretty light green dress with a frilly yellow apron over her front. Her hair was twisted up in a complicated-looking bun-twist thing, and he didn't even want to begin imagining how long it took her to do that. Then he blinked and he was standing in her living room, and she was staring at him expectantly. "Sit down on the couch, Sasuke!" she told him, gesturing to the red loveseat that constituted as her only piece of sittable furniture except for a rocking chair--

"Sakura, when did you get the rocking chair?" he asked, staring at the wooden chair in confusion.

"Oh, I saw it at a yard sale and couldn't resist buying it! I mean, it's gonna come in handy in about seven months."

Before he could ask why it would come in handy, she rushed on. "Sit, Sasuke. I have to go check on the bun!" And then she hurried off in the direction of her kitchen.

Sasuke removed his shoes and set them by the front door, then did as she instructed and sat on the couch, pondering this new development. 'Why would a rocking chair come in handy in seven months? What do women do in rocking chairs?'

'Um… Well, I've seen women sitting in rocking chairs and knitting. Maybe she's going to take up knitting!'

'Why would she take up knitting?'

'Uh.. For the International Knitting Women of Japan Corporation? How the hell should I know?!'

'Bast--'

'Are you sure you want to finish that?'

'…I hate you.'

"Sasuke, are you okay? You're mumbling to yourself again," Sakura observed as she walked back into the living room, gazing him in concern.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. So, is the bun done?" he asked distractedly.

She grinned. "Not quite. But come and help me set the table anyways."

What a girl job. Stifling a groan, he stood and followed her into the kitchen. He immediately went to the silverware drawer and pulled out two of everything. When he turned to place them on the table, he noticed her standing at the counter and pouting. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Sasuke, can you reach the plates for me?"

"Why can't you get them?"

She looked at him as if he was stupid. "It's not good for me to be doing things like that in my condition!"

'Condition? What?' he thought, but just shook it off and got the plates down like she asked, setting it all on the table. Then he got glasses and napkins, and by the time the table was completely set, she had a hotpad in her hand and was opening the oven, smiling as she emerged holding a huge pan in which sat one lone bun. "There! Sasuke, could you place this hotpad on the table?"

He took the second hotpad she proferred and she set the pan in the middle of the table on top of it, her smile widening. "Oh, it looks so perfect, Sasuke!" she exclaimed, clapping excitably.

"Are you sure you're not on something?"

She waved a hand at him dismissively. "Sasuke, I can't take anything like that in my condition anyway!"

'What condition?!' he wanted to shout, but held it in and just sat down in one of the chairs as she took the other one. "So…" He hesitated. "Is this bun it?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Oh, so you wanted two? Jeez, isn't one enough for you? Are you trying to kill me?"

"Um… no?"

"Never mind, Daddy. Let's just eat."

He nodded and reached for his tomato juice, then withdrew his hand like it had been burned. "What did you just call me?" he asked, staring at her incredulously.

Her eyes were wide and innocent. "What? I called you Sasuke."

"No, you called me Daddy," he pointed out suspiciously.

She thought for a moment, then laughed. "Oh, right, that. Never mind it, Sasuke. Come on, let's just eat."

Still staring at her, he warily reached for a knife to cut the bun in half, but her hand was faster; she snatched the bun up and stuffed the whole thing in her mouth. "What the hell, Sakura?" he half-yelled, glaring now. "I'm hungry too!"

She chewed quickly and then swallowed, smiling serenely. "But Sasuke, I'm eating for two, I need to eat more than you."

"Well, I haven't eaten anything, so you've already eaten more than me!" he told her in agitation, completely ignoring her statement. "You know, you're acting so damn weird tonight; what is up with you?"

Just like that, her smile faded, and she stood and slammed her palms against the table so hard the table and dishes clattered. "Damnit, Sasuke!" she yelled. "I've been trying to tell you all week! You are even more dense than Naruto, and that's a feat worthy of an Emmy!"

He frowned. "Trying to tell me what? Are you dying of some horrible contagious disease or something?"

"NO, YOU MORON! Didn't you see the car seat I put in your backseat?!" she asked angrily.

"Car seat--? What car seat?!"

"The one I put in the backseat of your car! Didn't you see it?! I put it there last week!"

He thought back over the past week. "So _that's _why Itachi was laughing at me when I gave him a ride to work the other day…. But why did you put a car seat in my car? Why would I need a car seat without a kid--?" Then he fell silent. "Unless…"

"FINALLY!" she shrieked happily. "You've finally figured it out!"

Sasuke's face was flushed with anger. "You mean I've got to babysit Naruto and Hinata's baby?! Aw man!"

Silence.

"YOU ARE THE MOST STUPID, IDIOTIC, DENSER-THAN-LEAD, MORONIC BASTARD I'VE EVER MET! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BABYSIT NARUTO'S BABY! I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!"

"…pregnant? With…a baby?"

She sighed and visibly sagged as she sat back down into her chair. "Yes, Sasuke, I'm pregnant with a baby. _Your_ baby, nonetheless. So, what do you--Sasuke!" Her eyes widened as he came around the table and swept her up into his arms so fast that she didn't even see him move. "Sasuke, wh-what are you--"

"You're pregnant! With my baby!" he shouted, twirling her around and knocking over several dishes and maybe a toaster and some family heirlooms, but neither noticed or cared. "This is the best day of my life! You're pregnant!"

She laughed wildly as he danced her into the living room and flopped her onto the couch. "Wow, you're so happy! I wasn't sure…"

He didn't wait for her to finish. "Of course I'm happy, honey," he told her kindly, leaning down to kiss her lips lightly. "I love you, and I love our baby. How long?"

"Hmm… about two months, I'd say…"

"Oh God…" He plopped down on the couch beside her and gathered her in his arms. "Well, we've got to tell everyone. Naruto, Hinata, my brother--maybe we'll leave him out of it."

Sakura punched him on the arm. "Sasuke, you've got to tell him! And actually, you don't have to worry about it. I already sent him an e-mail."

His expression was horrified. "An e-mail? Sakura, what did you tell him?"

Sakura thought for a moment, then grinned. "I expect we'll be hearing from him very soon…"

* * *

Itachi was doing an IQ quiz online (cause, you know, Uchihas are vain like that) when a message bar popped up, proclaiming, "You have 1 new message from Sakura."

He hesitated, then sighed and clicked on the link. Ten seconds later, he had read the e-mail, paled, and then fainted in his chair. His screen still showed the message:

_Itachi, this is a little news flash from your favorite almost-in-law:_

_Two airline tickets to Hawaii: 1800 dollars_

_Two rooms at a classy hotel: 500 dollars_

_The look on your face when you realize Sasuke managed to repopulate_

_the Uchiha clan before you… Priceless._

* * *

**Oh, that was so fun! Who knew telling your partner you're pregnant could be so fun? Ne, read and review, that's our policy, people!**


	9. No Means Yes

**Summary: Sasuke just can't take no for an answer. "No." "No?" "No." "…did you understand the question?" AU sasusaku**

* * *

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"…."

They stood there for several silent minutes, not breaking eye contact. She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed, but still didn't speak. Finally, he said, "So…. Your answer is…. No?"

"Yes."

"Your answer's yes?"

"No. My answer is no."

"….So your answer…. Is…. No?"

"Yes, my answer is NO!"

He seemed to be thinking hard for a moment, then he said, "So… your answer-"

"My answer is no, Sasuke-kun, okay, it's NO!"

"….did you understand the question?"

"Oh jeez, I'm going to kill you," she growled exasperatedly. "Yes, I understood the question, Sasuke-kun, and the answer is still NO. Is that clear?"

He crossed his arms over his chest and frowned at her. "Wait, so you're telling me NO? You're turning me down?"

"Yes."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"….Why?"

"Because you're a massive dick and I hate everything about you."

"…So you don't love me anymore….?"

"I didn't say that. I just said that you're a massive dick and I hate everything about you."

"Wait, so you still love me?"

"Yeah, so?"

"But you won't do this with me?"

"Sasuke-kun, I'm exhausted. I was up all night last night doing laundry, then I got called into the hospital this morning, and all I wanna do is sleep-"

"Please?"

She paused to stare at him. "What did you say?"

"Please? Will you please help me?" His eyes were boring into hers, the expression on his face pleading, and his voice was no longer monotone as it had been during their whole conversation.

She sighed. "Alright, Sasuke-kun. I'll help you. But only for an hour."

"Thank you. Now, can you wrap Naruto's present last? I want to make him wait as long as possible."

"You're devious. I think you just like to watch him suffer."

"Of course I do. His expression will be priceless once he finds out that big box only has two free ramen gift cards in it."

* * *

**Gah! I know I haven't updated in a while (haha, try over a year) and you're all pretty disappointed and probably forgot about these short stories, but please just hang in there.**

**I don't know why I wrote this, I just suddenly got the urge. Happy holidays, everyone! And I'm planning on a couple of new one-shots this year, one for Christmas and one for Hinata's birthday! :3 Oh, and in case any of you read my other stories… Don't kill me, okay? I'm trying….**


	10. Oldest Trick In the Book

**Enjoy this short… thing.**

**Summary: "No." "Yes!" "No." "Yes!" "No." "No!" "Yes." "Ha!" "What?" "Dude, she so got you with the oldest trick in the book." AU**

**Disclaimer: *insert outrageous dream of attaining the rights to Naruto here* Oh damn, I don't own it.**

* * *

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"No!"

"Yes."

"Ha!"

"What?"

"You said yes! Ha!"

Sasuke blinked in the aftermath as Sakura ran away, laughing evilly. "The hell just happened?" he asked, bewildered.

Kiba grinned. "Dude, she so got you with the oldest trick in the book. I can't believe you fell for it!"

"What book? There's a book?" Sasuke demanded with a scowl. "I'd like to read this book, what is the title?"

The brunette boy shook his head. "Never mind. So, what'd you agree to?"

"...I'd rather not say."

"Oh come on, I'll just keep talking until you spill!"

Sasuke grimaced. "I guess Sakura and I are getting married."

"...dude, Naruto's the maid of honor."

* * *

**I don't think this counts as a drabble… I'm not sure what the heck it is, but I liked it, so ha! Read and review, please.**


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